My Heart May Fail... But...

After reflecting back on 3 months, I am distraught over how much I have failed everybody around me. I see how much I've failed to be a faithful servant, a blameless leader, a submissive son, a loving brother, and a holy boyfriend; and I want to ask all of you to forgive me.

Failure and mistakes seem to be a part of my life, but I thank the Lord for grace and the cross. I still struggle with the past sins that haunt me, and I see the future dangers of not killing them. Loris has been so patient and so understanding, and I still don't know why she sticks around. I've been a constant disappointment, yet she has been so gracious to forgive. Yah, I know three months.. you guys are saying sarcastically "big deal.." But it is a big deal to us. God has taken us this far when 3 months was not promised to us. I'm such an awful screw up, so it is a miracle that God has kept us together for 3 months.

For me, it seems as thought I've been talking more than doing. I don't want to claim to seek holiness for me and for my loved ones, yet not pursue to purify them. Thankfully, I see my faults and I know what to do. I remember a quote from Pastor Felix's sermon when he said, (with regards to sinning) "Run to the cross, then change your life." I'm so grateful for a grace that does not encourage me to licentiousness. By God's grace, I will change my ways. People have been patient, my family has been patient, and Loris has been patient; so it brings me to my knees to look around at the people I don't deserve who still stick by me, even when I wrong them.

So, I ask you all for patience. Seminary is going to be rough, and I'm scared to death. I will make future mistakes, but again I ask for your patience and guidance. I've just recently been listening to Sojourn Music and it has blessed my heart. Here are the lyrics to a song called "Whom Have I in Heaven But You." I hope it will bless you as well. Grace and peace my brothers and sisters whom I love.



Whom Have I in Heaven

That final day will surely come, when I am laid to rest
Then must I before my Lord own my unrighteousness
Give me one assuring word to ease my anxious heart
I could not bear to hear Your voice bid my soul, “Depart”

Chief of all my joys
Sovereign of my heart
Whom have I in heaven but You?
My heart may fail
But You are my Strength
Whom have I in heaven but You?

O, wretched state of deep despair! If You Your hand remove,
And place my hopeless station where I must not taste his love.
O, tell me that my worthless name is graven on Your hands,
Show me some promise in Your Word, where my salvation stands!

Lord, when I quit this earthly stage,
where shall I fly but to Your presence?
For I have sought no other home,
for I have learned no other rest.