Forced Holiness

I cannot force you to change.

I'll pray that the Lord gives you that desire.

However, I'll ask that He changes me first.

Requesting this of you without first applying it to me would be the most heinous of sins.

My Heart May Fail... But...

After reflecting back on 3 months, I am distraught over how much I have failed everybody around me. I see how much I've failed to be a faithful servant, a blameless leader, a submissive son, a loving brother, and a holy boyfriend; and I want to ask all of you to forgive me.

Failure and mistakes seem to be a part of my life, but I thank the Lord for grace and the cross. I still struggle with the past sins that haunt me, and I see the future dangers of not killing them. Loris has been so patient and so understanding, and I still don't know why she sticks around. I've been a constant disappointment, yet she has been so gracious to forgive. Yah, I know three months.. you guys are saying sarcastically "big deal.." But it is a big deal to us. God has taken us this far when 3 months was not promised to us. I'm such an awful screw up, so it is a miracle that God has kept us together for 3 months.

For me, it seems as thought I've been talking more than doing. I don't want to claim to seek holiness for me and for my loved ones, yet not pursue to purify them. Thankfully, I see my faults and I know what to do. I remember a quote from Pastor Felix's sermon when he said, (with regards to sinning) "Run to the cross, then change your life." I'm so grateful for a grace that does not encourage me to licentiousness. By God's grace, I will change my ways. People have been patient, my family has been patient, and Loris has been patient; so it brings me to my knees to look around at the people I don't deserve who still stick by me, even when I wrong them.

So, I ask you all for patience. Seminary is going to be rough, and I'm scared to death. I will make future mistakes, but again I ask for your patience and guidance. I've just recently been listening to Sojourn Music and it has blessed my heart. Here are the lyrics to a song called "Whom Have I in Heaven But You." I hope it will bless you as well. Grace and peace my brothers and sisters whom I love.



Whom Have I in Heaven

That final day will surely come, when I am laid to rest
Then must I before my Lord own my unrighteousness
Give me one assuring word to ease my anxious heart
I could not bear to hear Your voice bid my soul, “Depart”

Chief of all my joys
Sovereign of my heart
Whom have I in heaven but You?
My heart may fail
But You are my Strength
Whom have I in heaven but You?

O, wretched state of deep despair! If You Your hand remove,
And place my hopeless station where I must not taste his love.
O, tell me that my worthless name is graven on Your hands,
Show me some promise in Your Word, where my salvation stands!

Lord, when I quit this earthly stage,
where shall I fly but to Your presence?
For I have sought no other home,
for I have learned no other rest.